(original text found at http://stuffchristianslike.net/2009/12/9-words-that-changed-my-life)

9 words that changed my life

"Sometimes, hope hurts.

It shouldn’t. The phrase, “hope hurts” should be an oxymoron like “Lady Gaga gospel album.” But I promise you, it’s not.

Sometimes when you’re so deep in a season of hurt, you get used to the bad. You start to think you deserve it. You start to expect it and get comfortable with it and get numb to it. And like a creature that lives so far down on the bottom of the sea, you adapt to it. You cobble together little survival mechanisms that help you get through. You get by.

But hope is tenacious …


Even in the darkest of my days, when I’d journal about suicide and despair, a fragment of hope still bounced about softly in the dryer of my head. (When you’re married with kids and have lots of laundry to do, 42% of your metaphors and analogies become housework flavored.)

There was a problem though, there was a painful obstacle between me and hope. You see, I was so far down the path of hopelessness, I was so lost and selfish and bent on destruction that I found myself in a terrible lose-lose situation. For example: If my wife was kind to me, I felt hurt because she didn’t know how hurtful I was secretly being to her with porn and a cadre of lies that would have killed her. If my wife was mean to me, I felt hurt because she had been mean to me. Any way I turned, simply resulted in more grossness.

And that is one of sin’s goals. Not simply to remove the good from your life, but to have it actually serve as a weapon of mass destruction.

Have you ever felt that way?

Have you ever felt completely unworthy when someone offers you love?

Have you ever been ashamed of the lies you’re living when someone offers you truth?

Have you ever felt undeserving of something good, because deep down, you believed that person wouldn’t really love you if they knew who you were?

It’s very possible that I’m the only one, and that’s OK. But I do need to tell you about the 9 words in the Bible that changed the way hope felt for me.

I’ve written about this before, but I’m a big fan of “edge verses.” I’m a big fan of looking on the periphery of a scene in the Bible and seeing all the deep truth that often gets hidden amidst a major scene. And in Luke 22 that certainly happens.

Jesus is on the threshold of getting crucified. He has the last supper with his disciples. He is sharing his thoughts on the father and the concept of serving and ruling. There is a sense of great importance heavy in the air. In the middle of that, he has a short conversation with Simon about how he is going to betray him.

It’s going to happen. Jesus knows this, but he wishes it wasn’t. He says to Simon in Luke 22:31-32:

Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail.

And then, in 9 words, he explains a big part of the reason I thought a mess-up like me could be a Christian.

Jesus tells Simon:

“And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.”

That’s it, those are 9 really simple words, but they demand a second look.

Do you see what Jesus is saying in that first half of the sentence, And when you have turned back? He’s saying:

And when you fail.

And when you sin.

And when you blow it and sell me out like a common thief.

And when you literally and physically turn your back on me.

And when you ruin it all.

When you turn back.

That concept is part of why our God is so different than everything we expect. We can turn back. There’s a return. There’s a comeback. There’s a loss and a brokenness and a state of falling, but you can turn back. That door is open. When I read the phrase “And when you have turned back,” I read a loud, wild picture of what grace really looks like.

Then you get to the part that is so easy to miss, the comma. Thank God for the comma, because that’s not how I would have written that sentence.

Mine would have looked more like:

“And when you have turned back, repent for three years before you try to get within a mile of my holiness.”

“And when you have turned back, don’t think for a second you’re qualified to tell other people about me.”

“And when you have turned back, here’s a long list of works you’ll need to do in order to clean yourself of the mistakes you’ve made and the consequences you’ve earned.”

But Christ doesn’t do that! He throws in a comma. He continues the sentence and simply says, “strengthen your brothers.”

Four years ago I ruined my life, but you know what?

God gave me the gift of the comma.

And that’s why I write Stuff Christians Like.

I have turned back. Not once, not twice, but a million times. And now it’s time to strengthen my brothers.

I don’t know what you’ll get this Christmas for a present, but please know this, God wants to give you the comma. He wants to give you grace. He wants you to know that when you have turned back, you can still strengthen your brothers.

It’s time to accept the comma of grace."





(yeah, it's totally ripped off, but I realised this is the best way that people can understand how awesome SCL is :p)

SO HERE GOES.

After my 'HEARTFELT SPEECH' on the second night, you'd think that's all I had to say? WRONGGGG, of course there's more. I'm a man of sentimentality and words, so I like to blend the two. And without further ado, NOTES.

ASHLEIGH
I always remember what my first camp was like, being thrust into this weird environment. But my hope was this: if nothing else, that you've caught the IGNYTE culture. You understand why we do what we do. That's the most important thing. Not what we do, but why we do it :) and I hope you'll keep growing in God.

BRENDON
Hahaha, I finally got to see your more talkative side on the bus ride back. I'm very glad to see that you're making new friend in ignyte, because IGNYTERS are cool people. Yes we are :p it's exciting to think about all the things you'll learn in ignyte, the spiritual breakthroughs, the getting-to-know-more-about-God, so very much. You'll enjoy your ignyte experience, it's a given :D

CHARISSA
I could tell from pretty early on that there's a measure of spiritual maturity in your walk. And that's good! I know there's a foundation of God's Word in your life, a foundation of knowing about who He is. And my prayer is that He'll begin to move you more and more from the stage of knowing to the stage of doing, of acting. A movement from ideas to action :) because that's the way He works. So keep growing in Him, and let Him lead you to where He wants you to be, the things He wants you to do. It'll get uncomfortable, it'll get tough, but it'll be worth it, 100 and 50 percent worth it.

VICTORIA aka CHERRY
Now I finally know who's the girl that always plays with joie on sunday mornings after service :D hahaha, it's very nice to get to know you CHERRY. I'm very excited to see you grow in God :) btw, I still think you look like a cat. I just have this sense that God's calling you into a deeper, deeper relationship with Him. To more stuff :D to better stuff. To deeper relationship. And I really hope that you'll answer :) because it's amazing. Life with God is amazing :) I hope camp was good for you too!

ANDREW aka THE MALAY GUY
heh, second time with me, how's it? Hahaha, thank you for being garang and willing during camp :) And I know you desire to do more in church for God, and I say go for it! Don't be afraid to ask of God. You want to be an AGL or a GL? Ask Him. You want to be an SP? Ask Him. You want to know why nothing's happening? Ask Him. He's the one who's seen your entire life and knows exactly what you need to know, and then some. There's a big future out there for you friend.

VERA aka VELLA
VELLAAAAAAA. Hahahaha, I'm very glad that you were in my group, because I really haven't spoken to you in so long. Heh. I remember before camp I told you that I NEED YOU TO BE ONZZ ALSO. And I know you tried :D it's very encouraging to hear your desire to do more for God. I agree with it :) it's a good thing. I have no mystical word for you, but I do know this: never regard yourself as less than another. You are you. And it is not the works that define the person, but the person that defines the works. Go puzzle that out :) God bless vellaaa

STEPHANIE aka THE COOL PERSON
Hahaha, I'm genuinely so very excited for you. There's this point that everyone reaches when they're walking so perfectly in step with God's desire for them in that season. I get this sense that you're dropping slowly into this gigantic ocean that is God's love for you. It's not an immense drop, like off a sheer cliff, but a serious of moderately sized ones. A series of moderately sized breakthroughs, revelations, and most of all, experiences with Him. It gets better steph, it does :) there's alot in store for you :D

DEMI
heh, should have seen my sister's reaction when I first told her you were in my group. Anyway, I'm glad that you were. Thank you for really stepping up to the plate when needed :) and my honest hope is that you'll remember camp. That there's something inside that you'll keep safe and that you'll let grow.

AMY aka THE AGL
I know you spoke to me about your expectations before camp, and I hope that they were met :) I sensed that there was a fresh anointing being poured over your life, over your purpose in life. A new purpose, a new anointing to thrive in the new situation. There's a freshness about what He's doing in your life and my prayer is that you will not allow yourself to slip into stagnancy, but to flow in what He's trying to do. Maybe there needs to be a pouring out to accompany the pouring in, I'm unsure. But I do know that He desires to do something. Flow with Him.

SIS EMILY aka THE ADULT LEADER
Heh, who only showed up on the third day. I'm very very glad when you arrived :p haha, we didn't get alot of time to bond, but it's quite clear that you're someone who knows God well :) in a very close way. And some day I'd love to learn more from you :D as He guides lah. Heh.



I remember at one point I looked at the group and (since I like being honest :p), I thought 'huh. I'm the oldest guy. Three guys in the group. Then physical challenges how.' I thought that, and now I'm a little ashamed I did (male chauvinistic tendencies :p). But you guys, you guys rose to the challenge. I'm very, very proud of you. You guys surpassed my expectations. The individual sacrifices, the giving and taking, the bonding. It's valued. And I know that you've received something. Maybe not consciously received, but there's something special about availing yourself, 4 days of your life to let God do what He wants. Your spirit receives something. No matter how small, there is some kind of impartation.

I don't think there's coincidence :) I believe there was a purpose and a reason that God placed us in the same group. And I do hope that there's been an impartation of some kind. Our group has artistic talent, musical talent, use that for Him!

Oh yesh, and I wanna encourage you guys to sms each other, to keep the friendship. When we see each other during services, say hi! Wave lah! Be a friend. And not just that, but keep in contact :) message me if there's anything the matter. I hope by now you can tell that there's alot of stuff I wanna share, and if there's anyway I can help you in your walk with God, go ahead and ask :) cause I'm your friend. Yeah, I am :)

AND GUYS, I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN THE FORFEIT. BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ, AHMA FLY!

GREEN STALLION 5 FTW!
Camp IGnormous 2009

Finally, back home, and it's time to outpour.

Oh so many many things to write about, but the fear is that if I don't they'll be too quickly forgotten.



So the first one, on the revelation of His love and about worship.
I remember the third day of camp. In the morning, we had the Tabernacle Experience, which, imo, was wonderful. I like it when careful studying of the Bible reveals the way God works, the way He enjoys working, the way He wants things to be done :p having something of a solid guide helps. And when we were in the second room, the room of just worshiping and lifting His name high, I was telling Him "God. I'm tired. Really tired. And feeling sleep-deprived. But I'll worship You. You're more than deserving." So that's what I did. And I got the sense that I sometimes get? That in my worship, it's like I'm hitting this invisible wall, like I'm pushing against some kind of curtain, trying desperately to get through to God. There wasn't that emotion, that 'wong wong' feeling that motivates the worship, just worshiping because He more than deserves it. And through the worship, He suddenly brought to mind a quote I read a while back, that 'the times of worship God loves the most are so very different from the times of worship man loves the most' (leave you to puzzle that one out)

And in the night service, God decided to show me what that meant. In the time of worship before P. Dom began his sermon, I was just telling God how much I loved Him. And looking back, I wasn't expecting anything. I just wanted Him to know. I just wanted Him to know that I loved Him so very very very much. And that was that.

So as P. Dom closed the time of worship, told us to sit down and take out our Bibles. And I had just begun to sit down and focus on what's next when suddenly it felt like God tapped me on the shoulder in that 'one more thing' way, and the next thing I knew there was just this outpouring of His love. So here I am sitting hunched on my seat, reaching down to take my Bible out from my bag, and suddenly tears start flowing. Thank God that at that moment P. Dom went back to singing. Could hardly sing though, my breathe kept getting caught in tears.

God loves to love :) never forget that.



The other lesson from camp:

We simply cannot lead without love. That's the way Jesus did for us while He was on Earth, the way the Holy Spirit does it with us now, and the way God will do it in Heaven. That's His style, yo. (yeah, I just had to talk about all three). He doesn't do anything except out of love. Everything He does, He does from a heart of love. Street Evangelism is hard, sure, because it requires you to do something that is uncomfortable. But once it's done from a heart of love, it gets easier. Suddenly, seeing the look in someone's eyes where your words aren't doing alot, but somehow God's using those words to carry His spirit into a person's heart. Being an SP is tiring. It requires you to care for someone else other than yourself, and not expecting anything in return. But once it's done from a heart of love, it gets easier. Suddenly you feel His heart to see your friend know Him more, and then you want it just as much as He does. Being a group leader is hard. But once you do it out of a heart of love, it gets easier.

I admit to trying to lead my group without love. But at the second service, God took me aside and said 'love before you lead'. That's the way He does it. Or else, what's the point right? Suddenly you lose sight of the individuals and only care for the group, the whole. And secretly, that's the way I used to think God viewed the church. 'Sure, He loves the group, but who's to say He loves me? Me in particular?' But He's taught me how to love the individuals first, then bother about the group.

I must add that we cannot scrounge up this love by ourselves. No mortal man can suddenly wake up one morning and decide to love God all of a sudden. We need to experience His First Love (and I believe many at camp did). John 3:16 (the most famous verse) shows the natural progression. God loves us first, not we loving Him, but He loving us. And not even in that 'yes, I know He loves me' way, but in a fresh way. It starts with a fresh experience of His love. That's how you love Him. He doesn't expect you to create some fresh love out of nothing, out of some forced emotion. No, that's the characteristic of a dictator, one who demands love from nothing. That's not God. It's a Newtonic thing. He gives us love first. That's how we love Him. That's the nature of love. An action of love which then creates an equal and opposite reaction of love.



Also: I love Jeremiah 33:3
"Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know."





GREEN STALLION 5 NOTES IN THE NEXT ONE.

there is so much inside my heart I want to spill out
but while the spirit is willing, the body is right now so freaking weak
I really do feel ready to collapse
people really don't understand that it takes effort to be a GL, to lead everything, not easy pls.

I'm leaving for a shopping trip in roughly 10 hours
will be back on the morning of the 22nd
will blog about the following:

GREEN STALLION 5 (ftw)
the revelation of His love
the principle of loving and leading
and Jeremiah 33:3

oh so much.



Just let me say how much I love You
With all my heart, I long for You
For I am caught in the passion of knowing
This endless love I've found in You
and the depths of grace the forgiveness found
To be called a child of God
Just makes me say how much I love You
Oh my Saviour, my Lord and friend

So yes, finally I shall reveal the reason behind the sixteen notes I wrote.

When I wrote the first one, it wasn't intended for anything. The Bible says 'out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks', and it was one of those times, when my heart felt the need to celebrate the friendships I had. But somewhere during tuesday, when it was just one of those moments of lying on the bed, letting your mind drift, just talking to God, and He asked me if I had a birthday wish. Maybe something I desired of Him, or a blessing for my life. My first reaction was "no, not really, I do think I have enough...". A few moments later, "actually, yea, I do. Could You bless Your people? If You have a blessing for me, my prayer is that You will pour it out amongst Your people, and that will be blessing enough for me." And He said okay.

So these are the reason for these 16 notes, 16 notes representing 16 years I've been on Earth, 16 friends who I asked God to bless. They know who they are, I've told them which note is for which person, and included hints within the stuff written that talks about different experiences we've had. These are the friends, the close friends, that I've asked God to richly, richly bless. Heh, if you want to know which person corresponds to which note, go ask them yourselves :) I'll keep my lips sealed.

So yes, the 16 of you, be blessed. I want you guys to know that I keep you in my prayers every night. Every time I sit down and seek God and speak with Him, I always lift you guys up in prayer. Find that breakthrough in God, and be blessed by Him so very deeply. If I can see all of you continue rising up, finding breakthrough in your battles, it will honestly be so much of a blessing. I love you friends. Very much. I can't find any new words to describe it (for all that I know, words fail me). You guys are an integral part of who I am, and (to kop someone else's words) truthfully, my life would suck without you. Thank you for your friendship, your words, and I just pray that He will bless you so richly.



Yes, and if you weren't one of the 16, please please please don't feel left out. It don't mean you're not my friend, I'm just too young :p there are honestly at least 30 more people that I also keep in my prayers every night but I couldn't fit them all in here. My prayer of blessing extends to you too. So if you're reading this post, if you're a friend of mine, be blessed :) amen.





No time, got to pack and do write-up for MIT and settle one last note (number 9's still missing, but for good reason) and get spiritually prepared for CAAAAAAAMP.
IGNORMOUS IS TOMORROW. GREEN STALLION 5 IS GONNA ROCK IT.
BE BACK IN 9 DAYS!

16.
I'm really tired from five in a row so please bear with me if it gets rambly. So yes, I've been really worried for you. The further and further you get from Him, the more it worries me. And when you doubt Him, you fight Him, I worry. Please find Him again. Please seek Him again. Please live in Him again. God misses you terribly.

(And that's done. I shall reveal the purpose tomorrow)

13.
It helps me to see you around :) and to see you grow. To me, you represent what I hope the next few batches of Ignyters will be. Rough around the edges, sure, but your heart is for God. That's the most important thing. If you want to know what will keep you in Christ, it will be caring more about God than about anything else in this world. Don't be pressured to be someone you're not, or to act like someone you aren't. Let your love of God be genuine, and that will be enough for God to use and make into things that are greater and beyond your imagining :) so be blessed my friend.

(BETCHA DIDN'T SEE THIS ONE COMING)

5.
Very often I genuinely wish I had all the answers for you. One thing I really really really want you to understand is that everything I say, it comes from an honest desire to see you breakthrough. Every time you say you desire for a breakthrough, please understand that I want that just as much as you do. When you say you want God to touch your life, I want that as much as you do. I really really really do. When you were telling me about your experiences over this year earlier this week, after you hung up I spent a few moments praying over you, because I want that breakthrough for you bro. And I know it's on it's way. I believe that to the core, to the bottom of my heart. Breakthrough is coming for you, and He will meet you. In time to come :) so don't give up on yourself. I've been there before, and 'ordinary' just isn't good enough. Living with God is extraordinary, amazing, astounding, words cannot express it enough because it's just words. I want you to know God as I do, and live life knowing Him that much and even more. That's real life.

(pillar or no pillar, I'm still your bro, yeh?)

(and back to your regular programming)

I hate getting photographed while I'm worshiping. As in, really. I never look good. I cannot. Because I'm an AC boy, I try to pose for photos (even when I'm not posing). And I enjoy worshiping with abandonment. With that "I honestly don't care about what whoever's gonna think, this is for God and God alone" attitude. At least, that's for the praise bits, and being photographed when you're jumping and your shirt flies up is NOT COOL.
But that's for fast songs I guess. Slow songs is worse. So very very much worse. Because slow songs, especially when it's an amazing move of God, half the time I'm on my knees crying/bawling my eyes out. And that's not glamorous friends. I remember a close friend of mine once commenting that she can't cry glamorously, and that she looks super unglam while crying. And another friend who hates crying because apparently her tear ducts hurt. Crying is not glamorous! Being broken before God is NOT GLAMOROUS. It's impossible. And when we're broken we look terrible to the world. And we feel, in a sense, pretty terrible.
But I'm a firm believer that there needs to be brokenness before breakthrough. Maybe not some TREMENDOUS crying thing, but some sense of being broken. Because, come on, breakthroughs require something to break, to be broken. Brokenness is that point of total vulnerability, total surrender, total humility. And when I was seeking God a few nights ago and the phrase 'Beauty in the brokenness' came to me. Because for all the terrible we look, to God, it's beautiful. It's surrender to Him, it's being vulnerable before Him, and it's beautiful.

Don't care what the cameras take, I choose to worship. Like King David when The Ark returned to Jerusalem. Taken from The Message translation, "Oh yes, I'll dance to God's glory—more recklessly even than this. And as far as I'm concerned...I'll gladly look like a fool." Because that's worship the way God likes it :) when it's truly just about Him and you, not about the eyes of the world.

A few more notes to go, going to try and finish them by tonight, then tomorrow afternoon I'll reveal the PURPOSE behind it all.

15.
So hey there. Heh. I do think I need more friend like you (and by that I mean, male). Heh. Whenever we have our random chats, I enjoy them alot. I still think you need more tutelage in the lameness though :p I think of you more as the back-up man, the guy I can count on. I get this sense that you're a very responsible guy, the type who will be there when needed. I know this one isn't a very long one, because my emotions are slightly tired :p hahaha, but I just want you to know that I'm very blessed by our friendship, blessed by your words of encouragement, and I really want to have more time to chillax and chat with you :D so find time in your schedule kay?

(heh, and as long as you're my friend, I will always remember the epic introduction given by theodore and I :p)

12.
HI FRIEND :) hahaha, I'm guessing you didn't expect to see yourself here. Hm. Okay, honesty time, I'm actually pretty unsure of what to put up here. It's not that you're not my friend, it's more like... hmmm... Okay, things you have to understand. 1, you're a good person. I see that very clearly. Blur, sure. A little silly, yea. But you've got a good heart, and you are the kind who devotes. You strike me as someone of devotion. That's just the way it seems to me. The things you devote yourself to, you do with a kind of deepness that isn't really self aware? You don't really say to yourself "alright, I'm going to devote myself to this". It doesn't strike me as that. It's more like a sub conscious thing. I'm digressing. It's late. Bear with me. 2, you're a busy person. I think the reason that I don't get enough time to talk to you is that you're a busy person. But I thank God for using me to speak to you :) and remind you about the important things. 3, there's alot I can learn from you. There's alot I wanna learn from you. And God will lead in His time. Keep me in the loop yo. 4, the latter will be greater. I'm not a big part of your life by any measure, but I do know this: your latter will be greater. Big things are on your way. Sure, tough roads, but hey, your latter will be greater. I sense it. It will :)

(oh yeah, and I did laugh at the irony of the choking on lifesaver thing!)

10.
So friend, I'm wondering how long it took you to get here. Anyway, not the point. I've been reading the pentateuch lately (two things. 1: which recess of the mind remembered what that was called? 2: which recess remembered how to spell it right the first time?), and when I read the first few chapters of Exodus, a thought struck me, 'hey, that does sound a little like him'. As I was reading it (and please remember, this is my interpretation, which has a much higher chance of being inaccurate than accurate), I kept thinking about Moses being an emotional man. At least, that's how it seems to me. I can't help but think about the link between young Moses and you. Moses had a habit of running. If life was a race, he strikes me as the sort who'd chiong. Who was impulsive, who acted on emotion, and who was ready to run fast, to chiong. He killed the Egyptian in an act of emotion, on impulse, and he went all the way on it, burying the body in the sand afterward. After killing the Egyptian, again, emotion, impulse, action and follow through, where he ran to Midian. When he sat down by a well, and some shepherds were harnessing innocent people, so Moses felt emotion, acted on impulse, and followed through. He came to the rescue of the people and then went on to water their camels. That's follow through. And when I read chapter 3, I keep thinking about how God speaks. Here was Moses, emotive, impulsive Moses, and God met him. And God speaks in chapter 3 in promises. He tells Moses about past promises, to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, and makes new ones, about what will happen in the future. And this is my prayer for you for camp. For the whole of the next few months in fact. To Moses' shifty, emotive-ness, God was the Rock, the promise giver that he needed. You've said it yourself, you're impulsive. And emotive. And that's what it seems to me, once you've decided on a course of action you will follow through. What I'm desiring for you is that you'll run the course He leads you in. I need you friend. There's the harvest field you know we're called to and I can't do this without you. I need your help. I do friend. So get on the right course, align your path correctly, and come along side me kay?

14.
Heh, I'm guessing that you saw this coming. And I'm guessing more than half the people on this list also saw this coming. Ah well, it's like a necessity. I was talking to bro aloy the other day in our room during MIT, and he reminded me that the greatest sign of unresolved issues is silence. Issues that are unresolved and untouched are unmentioned. And yeh, that's just the way it is. I'm glad that there's very little that's unmentioned and unresolved. In my honest opinion, it's a victory :) that we can joke without awkwardness. Heh. Of course, I get it. Like your comment recently, after we crossed the overhead bridge, before boarding the bus, about why you wanted to look for things on your own, I understand, mi comprende :) heh, I don't have any other words loh, you've heard them all already. Really, I'm sitting here trying to think of more to say and there isn't anything :p but share with me more kay. Take your time with it, but come on, share with me more. I wanna hear about what God's doing in your life, that's the exciting stuff anyway :p in time luh. Take care friend.

(wahhhh, I wish I could do these faster without compromising the quality. I NEED TO SLEEP.)

11.
These are tiring to write. So very tiring. But there's a deeper voice inside of me that speaks words that demand to be written. And I'm afraid that if I ignore it I'll lose these words. So forgive me if this will seem a little nonsensical, but there's a deeper voice speaking from the inside that should be heard. Yes. I treat you very much as an equal. I do wish that I spoke more to you, but it's difficult, because we aren't always on the same wavelength. Which amuses me, because we have enough friends that we connect well with, yet with each other there's a certain strangeness. Heh, we just see how time charts it's course lah. Regardless, I do have alot of respect for you. The Bible tells us not to judge people by our myopic or coloured views of them, but by their fruits. Because an apple seed cannot become an orange tree, nor an orange seed become an apple tree. And I know my views may be skewed, but I do see the fruits of your hand. I see the way God has been using your life and I know He's working in it. So this is my encouragement, my exhortation: never lose your supports. The people that help steady your life, the firm foundation that it's based on, don't lose those. As He grows in you, the world will begin to forsake you more and more, so don't lose those supports. I get this sense that you're a man of the people. Don't lose that. Act on the two greatest commandments, and you will be okay.

(that was a sucky ending. My brain is fried. My emotions are slowly being more silent. Hm. Should sleep.)

(but at least I'm roughly half done with all of these things.)

6.
It is tiring to write these. It is. It feels like getting water from a stone. Not that my heart is a stone, but that an orange that's been squeezed many times will yield less and less juice. And I don't want that. I want these to be honest expressions of the heart, not disjointed bits. And I worry that you get that impression about our friendship. I'm sorry that I'm not all the friend I wish I was, or that I was. I really am. I'm desiring for a breakthrough for you. Because I get the sense that you're stuck on the same area you've been stuck at for so long. I confess to thinking that. But these few weeks has shown me that you're still in Christ, still growing in certain areas. And as long as your are there is hope. There is hope for a difference in your life. God knows I hate being tough on people, I hate having to hurt people. But if this causes you to wake up your idea a little, then it'll be worth it. Know this: I want so, so much to see you breakthrough. To go deeper, to another level. It's my desire for you. And I'll keep praying for it to happen. I know you can friend. It's not too far or too hard for your reach.

(don't hate me :p you're my friend, and please understand that I do love you)

(still more to come)

2.
In truth, I'm writing this while talking to you, but only posting it later tonight after you disappear :p because when you talked to me today somehow I found the emotions necessary to write this. When I think about our friendship, I'm thankful for three things. Firstly, I'm glad that you're still in church. That you love God, and that you know God loves you, and that you know that's the important bit, you're just working out the kinks. Secondly, that you have awesome friends. By that I mean the Two that I know I can always trust to make sure that you're doing okay and are not being overwhelmed by stuff. The Two that I really respect and know will keep you safe. I'm very thankful for those Two. Thirdly, that we're okay. It would suck if we weren't :p and I understand if the Two get worried, but at least I know in my heart that I'm okay with you. That we're okay. And I'm so very, very thankful for that.

(knowing you, I'm expecting a you to ask me if it's really you :p cause you're blur like that)

(oh yes, and I trust the Two understand this isn't something bad. You Two should know I do respect and feel the need for your opinions.)

7.
well I did feel really bad keeping up the charade. And before you ask, no I didn't think this up in replacement for me not going, I was planning on writing this yesterday night, but I was too emotionally drained to. And secretly, I do hope you don't get annoyed that I won't be there today. Ah well, you know me. Anyway, I'll be honest here. I do put alot of effort into our friendship. But it's because I know how it feels to be on the outside looking into places you've been before and desiring to be there again. I know it. I know how it feels to feel peculiar. And I know there's alot about you I don't understand. I don't. I'm not able to see with your eyes or hear with your ears or think with your mind. But I know what I see. I see the light in your life. I see that hope, that light inside. And it fights with the darkness in your life. I don't know if it's an uphill or downhill battle, but I do know this. I'm your friend. And that means I'll do what I can to help that light shine brighter, to shine brighter. And push back all the darkness tries to do.

Because I believe in happy ever afters, friend.

(hahaha, and if I'm still asleep, drop me a message. See you when we get back :) )